8/2/01
I was given a kid. It birthed from a jelly sac like a kitten. It grew before my eyes. Unfortunately, there seemed to be seven others in there that I was expected to take care of. Having a baby sucked. Plus, once my family came around, they divided up into two camps.

One camp was Pam Anderson. She wanted the baby to call her mommy. I talked to her other three kids, one other of whom was mine, about it. They just preferred her neighborhood.

I went crazy trying to find info about a lawyer, I had no idea what to do. I went through phone books and looked on the internet.

The kids had talks with me about it. They explained that Pam had told them that she was their mommy, not me, and they were interested because her apartment was in a much cooler part of town.

I wasn't that unhappy, because it seemed like an easy way out of forced motherhood but asked that they call me Aunty I. This put an interesting spin on the legal problem of having too many kids who had been basically dumped on me.

10/9/02
I had a dream I've had before, that I was in my grandmother's old house, only there was a house attached to the original home through some secret doors.

I explored the new house which contained antiques and treasures belonging to my grandmother, plus many toys and children's books, in perfect children's rooms which seemed to have been simultaneously untouched and as if they had been inhabited for years.

I picked toys and books which I wanted to save for my future children, since it seemed that the house didn't truly exist and I wanted to carry something away.

9/3/03
While visiting my parents, I get engaged in a discussion where I claim afterlife is real, but it only distresses my family. Suddenly, 3 people arrive ? from thin air, it appears, but my family pretends to ignore that - a team: a grey-haired boss, a guy, a girl. The guy and girl instruct me. The girl gives me some pills. Take a couple of the small ones first, she says, it will have a lesser effect than the large one, but if you start with the large one, as you probably are thinking right now, you will have a strong trip, but you won't remember anything later; It's essential that you will remember.

After she makes sure I understood, she takes me by the hand, says "we have to go now", and it seems we will all meet later. We are on a train. My bag keeps disappearing, and when it's time to get off the train, she does, but I'm stuck behind, searching for my bag which disappeared again. As the train moves on, the suspicion arises in me that it’s a dream.

I try to will the next station to be an arbitrary one, and half succeed; now I know, I'm not worried. I try to will a better station. Perhaps Paris?

Next thing I know the couple reappears, agitated. Hey guys, I say happily, there you are again - but they're surprised I recognize them and are stern looking. Are you sure you did as she told you? You didn’t mix the pills? Says the guy, and girl, stressed, asks me to say exactly what I took. Whatever you told me, I dunno, I reply innocently, feeling fine but not too concentrated.

Ok, says the guy, what do you see outside of the train window? There's an intersection. And what else is in there? There was a sort of an accident, and this truck’s doors were smashed and a strange animal I have never seen before (2 meter high toy-looking bear-man) comes out and walks around blindly. I think he has no eyes. And that looks normal to you? He says. Sure, I say, why not? I just told you there was an accident, and that this kind of animal... it happens sometimes, doesn't it? He's exasperated, waves his hand. The boss isn't gonna like this, he tells the girl, worried - we botched it. Me, I'm completely at ease, as if I was given a tranquilizer. I'm sure they mean well, and sorry the dream fades.

12/18/03
There's a house I built in New Mexico, a small one which doesn't exist in the real world, that keeps popping up in dreams. In this dream, the couple who have been living there, it turns out they haven't paid me rent in years and I decide to investigate. Another disturbing thing is that the last dream I had that house in, there was lots of land around it, and in this dream, more houses have grown closer and closer.

Before I tackle the unpaid rent problem, the people in this ugly house next door are trying to sell me their house for 150K so that I will have the house which encroaches on my property. I take a walk through and the house is big but I start thinking, what the hell do I need it for except to tear it down and rebuild? It looks cheap. Plasticky wallboard and stuff.

Anyway, I walk over to my house and it smells awful, these people have taken really bad care of it. I decide that they have to go, after I take up the rent issue with them and realize they have no intention of paying the thousands in back rent. I figure that the reason I haven't noticed that they didn't pay before is that I keep forgetting I own this house, and without periodic dreams of it I wouldn't know it exists at all. I go to Harrisburg, where my mother grew up, and try to get relatives to help. I go to a hospital, a law office, a mall.

And my sister is there, Aileen, who's been dead for ten years. She's the same age as when she died, but doesn't have the baldness from chemo. I think it would be rude to mention that she's dead, so I try not to mention the ten years that have passed.

We walk through a mall and notice what has changed since we were kids, visiting our Nana in Harrisburg. A salesgirl asks for my information and when I give her my cellphone she gasps "Berkeley!" and I assure her that Harrisburg is much cooler than Berkeley.

I'm trying to be kind, but I actually find that I mean it. In Harrisburg there are all these kind and helpful dream-relatives, who are going to help me win back my dream-house. I realize it's a dream and I'm having a chance to talk to Aileen again, but then I wake up.

9/9/04
The shock of being born silenced me for some time.

I became awakened and aware of the shiny purple Christmas ball hanging on the tree in front of me. My reflection grew small and I realized I was in this body. I tried to stand, then remembered it was the time to stay small and be her baby girl.

The dress was pretty. My eyes wandered to the right of the Christmas tree, up to the wall. An 8x10 picture of an Episcopalian Minister hung there. It felt like my Grandfather, my Mom's Dad. Over the years I have come to the realization that it was my Mother's Grandfather, also a minister of the church and the man that had just baptized me. I felt sorry for these people. I was born for a purpose.

A lady walked by, reached down to straighten the pretty white dress. I felt hungry. I burped. I began to feel sick. I was just beginning to cry when I looked up to my left. There he was, in his greenest glory. It was just his head and he had placed a black wig onto his usually bald head. I giggled, completely overjoyed. Thank you, "OGEE". The lung pressure became heavy. I told myself to sleep. It was time to be plagued with pneumonia.

12/9/02
I was at burning man. I had this huge RV and an art car. the rv was my only home, and somebody stole it and my car. As I tried to figure things out, people came in and tried to pull me away from the task with all kinds of opportunities, but I was so focused on survival that I wasn't able to look at them.

6/30/04
I was visiting a friend. I found sacks of recycling in the kitchen which it seemed he expected me to take out. At second glance, however, the recycling objects were actually all beautiful objects to keep.

i found some photos of me with a recent ex at his house, we were naked and looked bonded. also in the dream i turned to him and we kissed, and it felt so real.

later in the dream a girl was baked in an oven, and it was supposed to be a game, but she died.

then i was running around having a phone conversation with the ex, and he did want me, but then i realized that i wasn't holding a phone, and the conversation was all in my head.

8/24/00
i was somehow in the house i grew up in. i was running errands with my mother when i checked my airline ticket and realized my flight was at 7:30 pm that night. though it was only 11am, she panicked and seemed to dismiss/not take any responsibility or initiative for getting me there. somehow, taking a cab was not an option, since i was about an hour away from the airport. i was frantically making phone calls, trying to get help. somehow i ran into dave on the street and we were in brooklyn. we went into his place, and it was full of people i used to know and miss and people i'd like to know. i missed the plane and ended up with a physical crippling feeling where i could not move my legs except painfully and slowly.

2-12-01
I was driving on some sort of coastal highway at dusk. I wasn't going too fast, cars were passing me. then came a steep incline. I was drinking water, and the amount of water I drank seemed to determine how much gas was left in the car. I only had about two sips left as the car was climbing this insane incline. it was 901Ú4, at times it seemed even more than 901Ú4. a few cars were stopping by the side of the road. I couldn? understand how the car (the Toyota corolla) was staying on the road, it was certainly quite scary. several times I thought I should turn back but I had to make it over the hill (to see the other side).

Suddenly, I was close to the top and the car disappeared and there I was hanging onto a ledge. it was well-lit: someone? living room. a middle-aged woman named Mattie or Hattie was there, and she was proprietress of this little hideaway or mountain rest-stop. I was desperately hanging on, not wanting to fall back down the approx 1 mile I had climbed up this hill. But I wasn? terribly scared, just wary. I didn? look downward, but kept talking to Mattie, trying to convince her to pull me up and away to safety. She was pretty stern and rigid in her ways.

She was selling something, and this space I had reached, this ledge was for people who were buying or were somehow previously associated with her. We discussed this for 5 minutes, the whole time I was slipping and worrying that I might not be able to keep hanging on. But finally., I convinced her to let me grab hold of the plastic banners that she had draping off the edge. the banners were some kind of advertisement and she had a lot of them. they were made from a fibrous plastic. I grabbed hold. then I convinced her to pull me up using the banner. This she finally did.

There I was, in this terribly small room. She was very strict as to where I could stay for the moment. I needed to rest, and I was still coming down from being petrified. I lay straight on one side of the miniature room, right by the edge where I was afraid I could lose my balance and fall off quite easily. a few more hikers showed up eventually, crossing over the ledge like they had done it before. I took one look down and it was indeed a 901Ú4 asphalt road that led to this perch.

Eventually, I left the room, for I had lost my fears and had settled things with Mattie, and wandered around the plateau, trying to find a way to get back down or to go to the next location. On one side, there was another insanely steep incline, but this one was 651Ú4 or so and cars were whizzing up it without much problem. At the top of this plateau was some sort of town. The hard way I had come was rarely taken by many travelers, but it was on the map.

Outside, in a city, I? looking up into the sky with a huge crowd of people. the clouds are performing crazy rotations and storm-like movement. swirls, colors with bright indigo blue interspersed. Suddenly, after ten minutes of this action and my father standing next to me taking pictures of the clouds, I noticed the beginning of a swirl formation, a funnel. slowly it built up and then down came the funnel, straight down and immediately I darted to the front.
without hesitation. normally, I am a cautious sort, but without thinking I ran up through the crowd to the front of the line that was forming to go into the funnel, which now looked like a UFO beam. augie Kreveienas had also ran up and was ahead of me. and then who do I see up close but Elle and I know she wants to go, and I know she feels like she should, and I grab her and convince her to come and we are in this line to the heavens, together, and it is all right.

Augie shoots upwards. the clouds are still roiling and the massive crowd is still in awe. Elle goes before me? it is risky - the hole will only last so long everyone knows. I shoot up and land inside a hazy, light-filled wooden octagon-shaped tree house. everyone is there, sitting around, practically bubbling with muted excitement. we are waiting. Then suddenly, we are all in a ford economize van driving down the main street of the city where we just were, past the crowds of people staring at the sky. it is not too bad of a day. we head over to a thrift shop. I have my camera with me.. Elle and I, so happy, were enjoying its presence. its beautiful polished steel, and curves. I was fingering it, I admit.

When we get to this thrift store Elle and I have a fight. she wants to go in and do this. I am being cautious once again. she leaves and I am disgruntled.....and wake up and she is gone.

6/20/04
i am visiting family. there is a huge extended family around, plus some old friends. i realize that its the last day of my visit and i haven’t been out of th ehouse, so i decide to take my rental car out - after extremely frustrating non-conversations with a few people about where to go. so i’m winging it.

i drive down a road which seems to lead to a highway, however, i end up inside a restaurant and navigate carefully around the chairs. in spite of that, people alert me to the fact that two blonde teenager are face down with soda glasses empty next to t hem. i’m told that one of them is dead. i try to talk to the manager about it but everyone seems distracted and talks nonsense. so i move on.

i get in the car, and with a lot of difficulty drive a little further. i park the car and get out. i’m stopped by a very strange constable. he seems to have something important to discuss with me, and i assume it’s about the girls. but no, he asks me if i tasted something out of a pot on the stove somewhere.

i admit that the other night i was at a show when a man covered with shaving cream walked by and i tried to taste what i thought was marshmallow fluff. but spit it out. he insists on walking me around, but i find my limbs are heavier and heavier. i can barely move. suddenly, this moving counter spins around and the restaurant comes to us, it slides into view, like a piece of scenery. it’s the manager again, but they seem to have forgetten all about my crime. i decide to cut my losses and get back to my car. my limbs are so heavy i can barely move. i wake up, still almost paralyzed.

2/2/00
nana saw a picture of another girl and was exclaiming over how beautiful she was...i said, nana, am i pretty? and she obviously thought not because she ignored the question.

i had a "door" in my closet to a workshop of some kind. The door was a black curtain. people kept using it as a door, and i was annoyed. why i'm not sure. But tons of people i knew kept telling me they respected my decision to not use the door and then they kept using it right in front of me. at one point, the curtain even came down with the curtain rod exposed as a very flimsy thing.

i tried taping it to the sides to close it off. that didn't work. i tried tying the edges of the curtain to things, that didn't work either. i looked around for furniture to block it with. then i looked at the workshop, and they had several big bookcases so i could block it from their side, but they were too big for me to move myself.

i watched a home movie we made of me and my sisters playing a game on the lawn. It was like a photo, but i was able to look through the lens as if it was a movie camera.

i watched my young self pose and thought, "i can see now that i moved like a performer." i scrutinized the back of the house i grew up in and could see movement in an upper window.

8/13/00
i was housesitting a beautiful mansion. It seemed like it was my house but i couldn't believe it was really mine, it was so beautiful and so elaborate. as i walked through it i had a feeling that it could be mine if i could believe it was. also, the people i was housesitting for were originally tenants of my own house and that added to that feeling. in the dream, i was going out with the same person i've been on and off with all year. he had spent the weekend elsewhere, and i found out it was at an ex-girlfriends house. she had written him a bitter note because he wouldn't have sex with her. she looked just like me only fatter and uglier. the note said in part "you are so hot, but don't think it's because of how you look, because it's not" i then found my way to a drugstore and starting looking at makeup at some type of department store counter in there. the woman asked if i needed help. i said, only if you can make me beautiful. i want to be beautiful.

6/12/99
I am working with a bunch of people in some type of new job...in real life i'm a healthy eater, and for some reason in this dream i am eating a bag of feces.

My thoughts while i do this are that this is the healthiest thing i can do...even in the dream, i feel nauseous when i realize what i am doing (after this dream, i could not go NEAR anything chocolate for weeks).

Then somehow i'm speeding along with a few old friends, applying for a job at some corporate headquarters for nintendo, located across the bay from san francisco, and somehow looking a lot like disneyland.

When we arrive i make them wait for me to brush my hair and adjust my outfit to look more together. somehow this takes forever. while i'm doing this, i see my mom scurry down the aisle, i ask them "didn't you see that was my mom?" and realize i'm back east now...they say yes, so i tell them "well, go over and say hi!". I wake up, feeling totally sick.

7/20/99
I was worrying about what to do because I discovered that I had a disfiguring condition; i was showing it to people but it was far worse when i saw it than when they did. when i looked at my arms, they were swollen up with batteries (c size batteries, i think) under the skin.

the skin was all red and lumpy from the batteries and my arms felt twice as big. this was mostly on the outside of my forearms. a cross between huge insect bites and batteries embedded under my skin.

the feeling i had was that i was terribly sick with this condition and had never noticed it before. but when i showed someone my arms, the swelling was less and more resembled huge insect bites than anything else.

3/31/05
My chest broke out in flaming red blotches. Some of them had appendages hanging down. Really disgusting. I was worried since I did not feel sick at all, and they seemed to indicate that there was something really wrong with me, that I couldn't possibly hide.

11/26/99
My friend mark was living in this beautiful house with a hot tub in the living room. daphne had three rooms attached to it, with a view of a rushing creek right outside.

She wasn't living in the rooms, but they were set up with minimal furniture as some sort of art display. We walked the rooms and i was thinking, wondering where she got all the furniture. the house seemed like it should be mine. but she seemed very unwilling to give it up. i started thinking if i had ever seen someone living right by a creek like that, was it dangerous? it was beautiful and i hadn't ever thought i might like it before. there seemed to be a group of friends who perpetually hung out in the living area. for some reason i was rewashing their dishes and some type of disagreement happened between me and one of the girls concerning the princeton public library (the town i grew up in).

I went into the library with a little girl who was connected to the house and i changed in the little girls's room into a sort of ball dress/witch costume. then, it seemed that i was supposed to bring a package from the house (which now seemed to be in downtown princeton) to near the princeton shopping mall.

I waited about an hour for the bus. my shoes were very high heels and impossible to run in, so i missed one bus. i went back to the house in the meantime and the girl i had the disagreement with was brushing and rolling up my hair. she seemed quite proud of her work and insisted i trade something worth twenty bucks for it. However, as soon as i walked out the door, the hair fell down. The bus arrived and two girls from the house were with me, helping me find out where to go. we talked to the bus driver and he said he knew where, and dropped me at a church. it was a church i used to take ballet lessons at when i was thirteen. we walked in and i found the room we used to take class in, still with ballet barres and mirrors. however, i knew that my memory wasn't constructing it right, and the church and the ballet room were actually very different in reality, my mind was creating a composite of churches i'd been in since then.

I went to get something to eat. somehow, there was a supermarket connected to the church. a strange one. there were big pieces of poisonous snakes hung up on display. they all looked very different. for some reason, i had a memory of eating a whole rattlesnake (not MY memory, i think!) and i started eliminating snakes. a woman came up and warned me not to touch them. she gave me a plastic bag to pick them up with. for some reason, nobody passing seemed to think this was disgusting, or unusual. they had a mild interest in it, if anything, they were envious because i was producing my own poisonous snakes, where they could buy them! where i touched them by mistake my hands were burning.

Undated
A world of fast movements, crisp effects, illusions made real, and such things. A beautiful work of art: a miniature skyscraper maybe 10 stories high, made as a replica of a similar building next to it. A spire is all I can see from the train track trestle, the station above the city. I just slipped out the back door of a 2 subway train. I look at this fascinating replica.
Like the side of a African drum with leather strips pulling the skin taught, woven metal bars spun out a series of shapes that stuck to each other like magnets atop the sphere. Cylinders, cones, and a pyramid shape in the middle, which held inside an elevator which 1 or 2 people could reasonably fit. A man in a white tunic and a headdress signifying something of importance is slowly brought up to the top, where the pyramid is. I watch: a man is on the side of the elevator shaft. And he pulls out some tools and cuts something at the top of the elevator line. He is sabotaging it. The important man goes down. Then comes up again and the handyman has his tools and it seems he will garrote him. A train goes by. I have gotten off the tracks.

I am at a swimming pool area. A woman, or a thing, of danger and importance is located somewhere in the water. I have received some sort of instructions from a man in a booth who refuses to come out and speak to me. Too dangerous for him. I am not yet certain if I know he is on my side or not. So far I have tacitly pursued several leads that seem to be emanating from his instruction.

Now I am near the pool, because I have been sent there, but I am relaxing. There is someone who is talking, like a teacher, and it isn't very interesting. The pool isn't entirely a pool either, it has grown over with vegetation on one end. I can't see that side of it: the pool could be much bigger. Soon I drift off from the class. My sister is hanging out, and there is a series of diving boards. I want to dive into the water. But something becomes apparent now: this pool is not ordinary. I am told to be careful, getting over the edge from the diving board isn't as easy as it looks. I see now to what that refers: underneath the platforms is a second ledge, not much further out, and there is a sequence of hurdles from a track beyond that ledge. You must dive over these, but under a bar that appears to be floating on the water.

Now as I look out, my sister makes the dive like a practiced porpoise and perfectly swims away, and I see what looks like an old amphitheatre made from stone that is before me, and it has been flooded with water. And further away, towards the center of the pool, a small city exists. A fairytale land underneath the water. But if I am not sure if the City is inhabited, it certainly shouldn? be. But maybe the target is hiding there?

The Snake King comes to visit me. I know his performance. He looks like Jango Fett, muscular, light brown skin, short dark hair, a sneer across his face. He says "I am the Snake King." I dispatch him to see a woman, and I know he will scare her. This is some political as well as sexual conceit behind this. He goes to a landscaped path through 10 foot high hedges around the grounds of the castle area. He leaps up into the air and begins to unravel. Like a clown's balloon being blown up, he unfolds in the air and expands into the roundness of a 25 foot long black snake?
Awake: Jen leaps upon me. It is the day after her birthday. She says to me: I was born in the year of the snake.

2/16/01
I entered a really elaborate bathroom to find a tub of dirty water. I was angry that the water was dirty. am I expected to clean this up?

I thought I was here to take a bath. On either side of the tub there was a big ledge. on it, on either side of the tub was perched an ex roommate and her lover. both glared at me like statues. I then noticed a large beautiful cobra in the middle of the tiled floor. I looked at it, and it hissed, stung me in the arm and sunk in it's fangs. I felt the venom going up my arm.

I was with a couple friends, (don't know them on earth). they were coaxing me to go to Arizona with them. I was excited and we began on a dirt road. I noticed a snake on the side of the road, and then another one appeared a bit further down the road. they told us to follow them as they were going the same direction. we instantly took their lead and began following them, but just as quickly as we starting moving, the whole picture stops and I am the only one there with these two snakes.

it was relayed to me that they were pythons. I stopped to look at the two snakes coming together, but simultaneously I feel soft whiskers on my right cheek and notice that it is a third snake.... but it has whiskers and I am confused. it hangs on my cheek and tickles is soft with it's whiskers, but then moves away from me slightly (only about an inch) to look at me and says in a voice "shhh, Listen". then it tries to cover my eyes and I can no longer see the two snakes, but am struggling to see what they are doing. soon my friend snake, removes it's blinders and lets me watch the other two snakes sparring, and dancing and winding themselves in each other.

2/1/01
I was riding a mountain bike along some southwestern trails. I saw a huge curled up rattlesnake in my path. it was too late to avoid it.

6/27/02
There were tiny dinosaurs which were like bugs almost, pesky little things which bit you if you went close. I almost thought they were cute but then I started thinking about finding one in my bed and how unpleasant that would be. The scene changed into my house in new Mexico. There were snakes everywhere. I noticed a big hole in the wall which was allowing dust to blow in.

1/9/04
I was with some friends, and parked my car on the street, going into a huge convenience store for coffee. When we walked in, the store seemed to go into a panic and was closing down. There was chaos and confusion, and nobody seemed to know why they were closing. Finally, I intuited that it had something to do with aliens. I brought one strange woman into the bathroom with me, like she was a good girlfriend, and when I saw a strange look in her eye, she suddenly tumbled out the window in a spray of sparks.

1/10/04
I dreamt I was going to ride my bike to San Diego, but very early on I realized it was really hard to peddle and that my tires were flat. I pulled over and saw my friend Lil P, she also had a bike, but was wondering why I was going on this long trip. My tires wouldn't let me inflate them, so she gave me a ride in her car. Somehow I was alone and crossing into nomans' land. A land of some alien species. I was caught in some sort of trap and marked with some device that made it easy for aggressive aliens to pick me up. I ditched the device and ran into an alien person I knew, they kissed me and unbenounced to themeselves injected me with another traking device. They wanted to take me to some place safe so I wouldn't get picked up by the alien patrol. But being tracked they wereon my trail. I realized at the last possible moment that my friend had unintentionaly marked me for death (something inherent and unconcous on their part). I managed to escape along with some other humans ( i think I knew them) and we made the trecherous journey back to our world. It was along barren road, but we made it.

2/5/05
I was being shown a technique by which you would inject yourself with hot air in order to pump up your muscles. It was intended to strengthen you and bring the human race into the level of an alien race. It was in the context of a circus, where we were surrounded by glowing animals that could fly.

3/22/00
i was wandering through these massive tents set up outside a luxury hotel. It was some type of renaissance faire. People were selling costumes and clothes and jewelry. my sister and i were partying with some guys upstairs in their hotel room. Then it was showtime. me and carolyn were expected to perform the whole of the wizard of oz, in three acts. i wasn't terribly surprised about this, and felt up to the challenge. i seemed to be the lead character but felt that i was the lion, not dorothy. my sister, I'm not sure what part she had.

We did not have costumes or makeup, being in street clothes. however, the first act was well received. It was in a beautiful little theater and every seat was filled. for the second act, things got chaotic. We moved the play to a smaller "dinner" theater, where vendors were expected to set up (though they didn't set up until halfway through the show, and did so right in front of us, between the stage and the audience). i was losing ground and kept telling carolyn "let's get on the yellow brick road" so we'd be able to pick up some other characters. But the hotel-room guys, though they seemed to be supposed to join in, didn't. finally, a couple of women complained that they wanted to see their beautiful lesbian friend. from the stage i said, "i think she's in the dressing room". my perspective followed them back there where they all fawned over her, and she acted kind of haughty and seductive.

8/5/00
i was visiting my sister who lived in a city i've visited before in dreams, but in this dream resembled a very cosmopolitan version of santa fe. She pulled into the parking lot of some fictional sort of swanky southwestern department store that seemed really familiar to me.

on the racks were clothes, some of which were things i'd always wanted but hadn't bought because they are normally so expensive - they were all marked down to $1 or so. i got a huge pile of clothes, and went to check out. i was in a huge hurry but i don't know why i was rushing because my sister didn't seem stressed and i think i was thinking that at any moment she was going to take control and put a stop to this shopping and i wouldn't get what i wanted.

on impulse i added two COWS to the purchase. i got out to the parking lot and realized i hadn't gotten a receipt and that maybe without a receipt i couldn't return the cows, plus i was visiting and how could i deal with these cows?

i thought about how my father needed money and food and maybe i could give him a cow to eat. But it seemed like an overwhelming responsibility so i went back up to return the cows.

they assured me that i could return them without a receipt. so i went back to the store floor and got distracted by racks of clothes NOT on sale that were even more spectacular....just exactly what i have always wanted.

i started shopping again and i told my sister we could leave. now i got stressed again because i didn't believe that i could really return cows without a receipt. At this point the stress level was hitting a high point, and i got a wake up call.

5/2/00
my ex was hanging around a house with me. he was lounging in a bedroom. he was pretending nothing was wrong between us but also giving a vibe that he didn't care either way. a friend of his came in and was trying to convince me what a great guy he is.

"when you put different masks on him, he's really great!" she told me. i was like, "yeah, i know, but that's the real problem with him".

i left the room, trying to get away. found myself trying to maneuver a car through a tiny alley with a homeless person camped out in the way, lying on a box with a blanket. i was angry that there was this obstacle, but everyone acted as if it was outrageous for me to ask the homeless person to leave.

i then somehow parked the car and went shopping. for some reason i was scooping tons of things i didn't want into my cart.

a group of employees came and started harassing me that i couldn't take the items out of my cart once i chose them. i was ignoring them and scooping things out onto a basket. i was determined to get rid of the junk i was carrying.

9/14/03
i'm at a friend's wedding reception, or going up to the reception in a fancy, elaborately appointed elevator. there's a woman in the elevator with me, dressed well, with a glimmery wrap thrown over her shoulders. she points at my hand and notices i am wearing two chunky rings made of resin on my ring finger - one blue and one green. she asks, "are you married?" and i say, no, these aren't real wedding rings.

she raises the back of her hand - flat - to my face and i see a modest diamond wedding ring. she says, plainly, "this _is_ real." we face the elevator door as it opens to the crowded banquet room.

9-29-03
I was climbing in and out of the roof of a tree house, which became a department store I was shopping in for clothes and jewelry. Then I was standing in front of an old fashioned mirror, trying on clothes. I put on a beautiful, simple wedding gown and veil and pranced about, looking quite wonderful.

I was happy. The girl with me was also trying on clothes and we traded. She had me try on some lingerie and old fashioned bathing suits. Then we put the clothes on a small child and it looked very cute her too.

Then I was swimming/wading down a clear calm river with another older woman. She seemed to be very wise yet youthful. I was carrying a photo with me and since we were already headed down the river, she said I would have to carry it with me. But I found a nice bank to set it down on and when I popped out of the water to set it down, my bottom was showing and she gave it a playful pat. It felt so refreshing to be swimming along the river in my undies. Then I saw an arial view of a beautiful lake and waterfall surrounded by orange spikes of earth, like in Bryce Canyon, Utah. All the landscape reminded me of Utah and the gorge at Zion National Park.

12-13-03
I was shopping at IKEA, and there was a new section with fabulous lingerie and really great makeup and clothes.

I found a bra I wanted, it had tiny black ribbons across the top and was printed with Boris and Natasha (from Bullwinkle).

I realized that this shopping was too great to last so I'd better hurry but I was still so picky. Waking up I realized that I AM always picky, and won't cram my cart full of anything unless i really do want it.

6-28-04
I was shopping in a large department store with very testy,
grumpy assistants. all the most beautiful things were hidden away in trunks.

I went digging through some trunks and found a beautiful purple velvet tapestry to cover my bed with, then i saw some red tapestries on the walls i wanted and brought it down.

the assistants were pissed that i moved the things around, but reluctantly showed me a beautiful two level 'sixties lampshade, exactly like one i own, but smaller. i started making a pile to purchase but woke up before i could complete the transaction.

7/9/04
Buyers remorse. This dream was all about it. I somehow thought to bid 18k on a 20k tent without ever seeing the thing. On going to pick it up, I found that it was in full operation of a business selling drinks and food, with a full staff.

On seeing this, I understood that it was implicit that I was now the owner of the business. I tried to explain to the manager that I was here to pick up the tent and take it to the East Bay.

It was now in Manhattan. He explained that it wasn't possible but accepted me as the business owner. I got into my car, dropping off a futon at a homeless shelter on the way, at their request. My car had a broken window and I didn't remember how it happened.

On the way I thought about the tax implications of owning this business and felt extremely nervous. I was racking my brain to figure out who to get advice from. And where was this advice when I bought it...I was upset with myself that I hadn't gotten an opinion before I spent 18K on a stupid tent.

I stopped by my friend Carl's place. He seemed to have relocated from his very clean and neat place to a sloppy, unfinished house in a bad neighborhood. He was now living with a woman who seemed to walk around naked 99% of the time. I kept trying to leave his house but either left something behind and had to go back for it - repeatedly - or fell asleep.

The dream wrapped up when I was arguing with a contractor they brought in about a floor finish. He wanted to paint over all the wood and I was arguing for some linseed oil with a tint.

1/7/05
i was shopping for food. someone raced to beat me to the cashier. i mentioned the rudeness and she immediately stepped back several feet and
started helping me out. i spotted something i wanted on a shelf and went over to pick something out, not caring about the others.

the cashier kept adding items and undercharging me. i ended up with a lot of stuff almost for free, including three large boxes of tampons, which is pretty much a $21 value. having no idea why i was getting these deals and this kind of random kindness simply for speaking up...

shift of scene to my new apartment. my boyfriend and his friend came over for dinner. i discovered old platters i had just brought from my grandmother's house as well as a lot of slightly dirty kitchenware which was now mine. mostly serving platters. i had bags of groceries on the counter, the kitchen was a huge mess.

i kept discovering more frozen food and cookware, discovering a ton of frozen pizza. okay, i thought, i have to get a meal together or these boys will leave. i finally found dishes and got some soup together and went out to serve them. my boyfriend had left, angry at not being fed immediately....

1/2/06
I was auditioning for a dance group and my ex's ex was there. She didn't seem to recognize me, but when my ex showed up he went on a rampage looking for me. He was so angry to see me there that he sprayed me with toxic spray paint all over. Paradigm shift. We're in a buggy being driven by Ma and Pa from Little House on the Prairie, but we're in the tropics. We're homesteading at a sort of tropical beach resort area. Pa makes amends for us and we are together, but on a family vacation. Now it's my real mother there, and we seem to be working at the resort. At one point it's demanded of us that we take beach towels we've been wearing and turn them into pastry desserts, with no instruction. My sister asks me if i'm not worried that my partner is away and I say, no, I'm special, and he'll wait for me.

6/24/04
I was emailing a friend of mine & I asked her to write two lists... the first was to be all the reasons that she was jealous of me and the other was to be all the reasons that she was better than me... then i asked her to meditate on the lists until she truly understood the ridiculousness of each of them.

3/30/05
I had a date with an ex. He had changed radically in a short period of time. He had dramatically gained weight, and in an odd way, having a visible gut when he had in reality been very thin only a week ago.

I went to pick him up and found that he was planning to reunite with an ex-lover of his, in another city. He suddenly was very financially stable and had bought a plane ticket to the other city and a house there and was planning to move very soon. I spoke to his friend who seemed to humor me by talking to me about my feelings of surprise while seeming very duplicitious about her interest and concern. He had changed completely, in order to please this other woman. I felt so jealous and so betrayed.

5/12/99
I went out on a walk with my ex's roommate and some girl who used to be a stripper, was talking about it. They left without saying goodbye. I called goodbye, then yelled it. It seemed I was in a foreign country, everyone had an accent. The group (school?) stopped everything to kind of berate me for yelling. I apologized loudly. Then I thought that maybe dave and this girl were in love and didn’t notice how rude they were being.

5/18/99
Watching a mouse get trapped by a cat. Mouse jumps right in front of cat and we watch breathlessly, will cat decide to be friends uncharacteristically. Mouse seems to think cat might and gets close to it. Cat picks up mouse by a whisker, and then suddenly, it seems to be a kitten instead as the cat bites off a paw, and then the cat seems to be a human instead of a cat.

2/10/00
somehow, my ex asked me to marry him. in the dream, it was still during our relationship. i had the impression that we had run off to vegas to get it done. ended up spending the wedding night at home. But what a strange home. my mother and grandmother both lived there, and we seemed to be included in all activities, as if we were still kids. my new husband was very patient, and seemed to have no feeling on what our life should be like; he seemed to feel i had unreasonable expectations. in fact, when i pointed out that there had been no honeymoon, he responded by telling me calmly that he only got married to pacify me, and reminded me of an old fling who he hinted at having some involvement with.

8/11/00
i was backstage at a show. i was friends with the superstar. i tripped over my ex-boyfriends foot on the way backstage. i had a handsome man on my arm and the superstar was fussing over me. i could feel my ex watching me. his new girlfriend entered and said something awkward and unfunny. i ignored both of them. Then my ex was snowing me with all kinds of lavish lies about how i was the one he really loved, that he only moved in with her to please her. i listened without being sympathetic to his begging. At the same time, i was nervous that i would fall for it.

4/4/03
I was living in a dorm situation with a bunch of interesting people. One of them was an old boyfriend, and he told me he wanted us to get back together. I kept expecting him to try to consummate this decision, but he seemed to be avoiding that. I was pretty surprised, since in real life I'm sure he'd be going for it.

4/15/03
I was hanging around a club with some people. I had a sort of metal-chick looking wig in a trunk in the back of the club. My ex came out and walked to the stage with a guitar in his hand. I wanted to talk to him but I couldn't bring myself to do anything but hang in the back and wish that he would notice me. He looked heavier than I remember, but other than that seemed the same. I spent the rest of the dream wondering why he had been there.

6/23/03
My roommate Lorely would NOT hold hands with me. I was bummed out because everyone else was holding hands and she wasn't in the mood. Then I received a surprise proposal from an old boyfriend. He gave me a ring made of a rolling paper. Weird.

8/29/03
I walk into a garden and come upon a group of geisha who are unaware of my arrival. The braches and leaves float past silently. The geisha are evolving. They turn anxiously like a group of gazelle in safari. One of the geisha takes me to the back of the store to show me her record collection but I suspect she has other intentions. I see a ring which belongs to my friend, Mr. K, lying on the table. Then, her father barges in and pretends to be furious at having caught us doing something naughty even though we are doing nothing at all. He shouts furiously but never lifts his eyes from the floor. I leave slowly simply walking away.

8/29/03
I was driving in unfamiliar territory, with questionable brakes and poor visibility. The dream all started at some kind of dating thing, where i ignored all the action and spent my time trying to make jello molds. Why the jello molds, I do not know.

3/30/05
I was at a family gathering. It was my birthday and a boyfriend was with me. I went into our room to find a large dress box on the bed. it contained what looked like a fifties style dress with a very full circle skirt, yellow with gray stencilled designs on the skirt. he helped me put it on so that I could discreetly undress under it and slip into the beautiful dress (my aunt was in the room, folding sheets on another bed). The dress was like a work of art.

As I dug further into the box, it contained an unlikely amount of gifts. and as i got further into the box they were more and more modern and kinky. a normal looking shirt had within it a hidden merry widow of violet satin, with garters. there were folded up black net goth-looking pieces of lingerie. I took off my dress to try on a two piece turquiose pvc outfit, and the boyfriend, seeing me naked, started making out with me.

i found a card in the box which said that a wealthy man at the hotel (we were now in a hotel suite) had given me these dresses. The card looked generic, it was all preprinted with this strange offer of random generosity mixed with a stalker mentality - and it even had a $1.99 price on the back. I had no idea who would give me the box of clothing. but i wanted it, so I didn't care.

Scene wipe. as time went on, my boyfriend got more and more attached to the money I was now receiving daily gifts from this other man, to the clothing, which my boyfriend appropriated and insisted on wearing himself, with black lipstick so he resembled a goth dude.

I received a key to a fancy car with a note from this wealthy suitor, and my boyfriend and I at this point were disagreeing on the propriety of these gifts. I refused to accept them and he argued that I should take what i was offered without question. My family took his side as well, they saw no reason why I should not accept the bounty.

Scene wipe. I'm now in my house - which is not my house, nor am I any
longer, me. I'm in my early twenties and bear no resemblence to myself. The wealthy suitor has bought his way into my house, he's hiding out in a room upstairs, and he manages to convince my roommate that he should stay there.

I finally meet him and he's so young and non-threatening that i can't believe he's the same man that possesses this great wealth and is so creepy. I'm not won over, but mollified.

4/8/05
I went on a journey to meet a friend. When I got there, we prepared to meet some of my family. He unexpectedly gave me a gift, it was an amber pendant and bracelet. I was surprised because I didn't know he loved me.

1997- dreams from Santa Fe Natural Tobacco Company employees
Dream 1
I was being pushed as usual to do more and more tasks with no help. I had had it. I run through the RD department and Completely ransack everything. I throw all of the computers, all of the phones. Everyone freaks out and Eric came over stated that he couldn't believe I had done this and had lost all respect for mr - I woke up and thought I didn't have a job anymore. Unfortunately, reality kicked in and I had to get up and get ready to return to the "Black Hole".

Dream 2
One night I dreamed that I was inside a video game called SFNTC. Everything was pixellized and neon colored on a black background. I was the little man in the game who was being controlled. My purpose was to collect and drop as many promotional components into envelopes and boxes as I could within a certain amount of time. At every corner of the building (on the same screen) were new surprises. Obstacles I had to avoid or destroy before they got me. Whenever I saw Pal in the game I could run up to him and pat him on the head for bonus points until he went away. The game played over and over again. It turned out to be a nightmare.

Dream 3
In my dream, the SFNTC building was a huge warehouse/factory with loads of steaming pipes and rails on the ceiling. We were all at work while Robin would walk around picking on people. There was a woman called Jane whose job it was to move heavy duty equipment from one end of the building to the other. The equipment wasw attached to rails on the ceiling and Jane was using a remote control system. When Robin walked under the load, she dropped it on him. The next image, I'm standing by this huge door while Robin is being carried out on a stretcher. he is burnt to a coal like a big black human charcoal. He stared at he and I realized one of his eyes is sewn shut. The next day, I run into him at a biker bar. He says I shouldn't have been worried about him, that he was really touched by my concern. I look at him and he is not burnt anymore, but all over his face and arms I can see grids like from a BBQ grill. He smiles and I see his sewn eye again.

Dream 4
I had to build a glass cage for Robin, I neglected to put a door on it. Then a pipe burst and the cage starting filling up with water. Robin was floating in the cage like a fish. It broke and he spilled out and people gathered around asking "do you want to se eif he's alive?" "I don't, do you?".

Dream 5
Tom was working reception. I went up front and saw that he had nothing on except a button down shirt which was unbuttoned. He wanted me to stay and I talk to him but I was afraid I was get in trouble. Staying up front with a naked man.

Dream 6
I dreamed that Robin's shoulder injury had inspired him to try movement therapy. He called Iris, Von and myself into the conference room and instituted the SFNTC Dance and Movement Ensemble, of which we were to direct. The next day everyone showed up at the office in spandex ready to dance!!!!!

Dream 7
I was living in a house and Robin was one of my roommates. I got a phone call that one of the other roommates had been killed on the road and the body was missing. I decided to escape, but at the last minute I changed my mind because I realized Robin was planning to kill us all and if he knew I suspected him he would kill me first.

Dream 8
I was getting married to someone I didn't like. It was in the office. Robin was there and he was a witch, bringing dead witches back to life to help him in his evildoing. I wanted to escape the wedding rehearsal. Bernadette threw a grenade to create a distraction. Lawrence was trying to help me escape but I couldn't find him.

8/31/03
I'm with all my friends at the time and we are at a party on the top of the tallest skyscraper. We are all looking down at the city below as it is being destroyed by the tornados. It's not a nightmare, more like witnessing the rapture for the heavens.

I never really had placed any meaning to the dream until recently. I have been a drug user for all of my adult life and have worked over the last few years to be sober. I have just quit smoking pot and shortly after the dream changed.
This time I was driving with my wife Christa and as we came around a corner, there was the tornado. I had to quickly turn around and drive as fast as I could to get away. I knew I had to make it to the skyscraper and we did, but just barely. I never made it to the top, just the eleventh floor. This dream was more nightmarish as the building shook and thinks flew all around us.

We hide below some stairs, but still had a view of people playing hockey in an arena below us and they where not effected at all by the winds. I think the skyscraper is the comfortable high I was always in and the tornado is the chemical wash of my mind. I think it changed because I am now in my mind and those chemicals where being washed away. The Hockey team is my game playing Ego that has been untouched by the flushing of toxins.

3/25/00
i was a mexican revolutionary. and a man. i had killed many people in this crazy subway spree, but i only killed the white people and only because i was trying to escape. Then i was out on the street because i miraculously escaped. i disguised myself as a girl, but was really pushing it because i ended up sharing a bed with this girl regularly (as sisters) and she brought one of the cops who was chasing me home one night. It was also hard to hide my penis from her. But not as hard as you'd think.

i ended up getting changed into a girl and moving to another country. At the end of the dream i visited my family and ended up getting caught in a ceremony where they showed films about what "i" did; not knowing that i was in the audience disguised as a girl.

We seemed to be like slaves, having to obey orders to...tear up boxes and stack up flattened garbage cans, and it seemed that there was still a lot of dramatic gunfire and flattening still going on. i had left the ceremony with permission but did it by having to climb over office cubicles stacked up eighteen feet high, and barely escaping a fire that the white people were caught in because they couldn't stop arguing about whose fault it was that i had stepped on the typing table.

At the end i was somehow still trapped there and i was having to edit a piece of film for a teacher in the aftermath of whatever skirmish had just broken out.

10/10/02
I dreamed my cell phone battery was dead. I was very worried because I was waiting for an important call from my nieces and nephews and I missed them. I was standing under a high red brick archway on a hard dirt road, In the center of the arch, about thirty feet up, was an exterior art-deco light fixture and junction box, which were falling apart.

Before I could return to the train (?) and plug my phone in there, my friend Phil grabbed the phone out of my hand and said' "THIS is how you charge a phone", and leapt into the air heroically in his tight jeans, arcing thirty feet upwards to the busted light.

The light zapped the phone with thousands of volts of electricity, sending blue lightning arcing back to the ground, lighting up Phil from the inside, splitting the air with his screams and zapping sounds, and blasting and burning away at my phone's faceplate till it was a brittle, transparent yellow crust. He then zipped back to the ground and handed me the charred hot yellow phone. It had a full charge.

3/22/03
Hippy terrorists invade my normally quiet small town Millbrook, New Jersey. They force all of us at gunpoint out of our houses, including our pets corralling us onto yellow school buses. Upon entering the bus each man, woman, and child receives an eighties black or navy heat-set sparkle t-shirt with the words Disco Sucks written across a rubber ducks body or "Give A Hoot, Don't Pollute" underneath a suspended wings-splayed cartoon owl. Even the pets by obligation wear such slogans as Yuppie Puppy or Corporate Kitty. Two small dogs wag their tails so rapidly they almost disappear except for their doggy t-shirts. I avoid abduction when I learn that we will be taken to a beach or park and coerced to take psychedelic mushrooms or psilocybin mixed with a previously untested drug. The hippies fear me when I say,?You do not want to encounter me on drugs!"
Besides, I protest, how many of you were at the peace rally wearing camouflage?

And another thing, those guns have no bullets! They see I am a revolutionary and leave without me. As the buses drive away I spot a tie-dyed sheet hanging on the back of one that reads Soldiers For Peace. The rest of the town pretends they are being kidnapped.
Now that everyone is gone I feel that sense of aloneness that one gets while taking a long walk in the woods or Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Bored and lonely I decide to break in to my neighbor's garages to examine all of their objects and make up stories about their history.

The Mr. and Mrs. Bamwolle's house has a huge porch, Victorian style, with etched glass mirrored skeleton keys hanging on fishing wire. I look down and I am wearing a frilly white dress, like a ballerina. In their garage are display cases of jewelry: a ruby tiara, an aquamarine ring and a black Tahitian pearl necklace alongside costume versions. The ruby tiara has a price tag that reads 10,000 dollars. On a shelf rests a comic book called Dark Boy. Next to that, a clear glass baton that functions as an ice-cream scoop two-ended. I fancy the baton and take it with me. Outside it begins to snow, even though it is summer. I catch the snowflakes and eat them out of the glass scoops.
Mr. Vollmana's house is very seventies with carpeting all over the walls and a celebrity miniature golf coarse set up in the living room. In another room three guys I know from the organic food co-op are partying, a song plays repeating the lyrics,?Here is a ghost, a ghost is a lie" in a Depeche Mode sounding way. I begin to roll around on the carpeted floor, a sort of uncontrollable yogic dance. I am on my hands facing the ceiling and cannot stop my legs from kicking up until I decide to perform a shoulder stand against a black Formica desk.
When I move my legs away the name Rosemary appears taped up in individually moving yet attached pastel colored glittery happy birthday letters.
One of the guys, I think his name is Egon, passes out on the couch and to wake him up his friend Gustov squirts lighter fluid on his torso and lights it. The couch guy immediately wakes up and begins to blow out the flames.

Mr. Amallaha's house is a garage converted into an apartment. A garage with glass doors. A robust, red-cheeked guy asks me if I think he can get a thousand dollars a month to rent it. Probably, I reply. Alice's house is surrounded by power lines and power stations.

So many wires in the backyard that they appear to form a grapevine trellis. There are group of paranoid people in the house and they do not trust one another because one of them is a serial killer who kills his or her victims by cutting a hole in their throats and shoving a hot dog in the hole. Cooked or raw? I inquire.

9/27/03
I was working for a large hotel and my boss showed up out of the blue which seemd very strange to me for some reason and rather ominous. A large shipment had come into the hotel and we, the workers, were told to move it into the kitchen, no questions asked. As we stockpiled the packages, several of us noticed that it was an unusually large quantity of industrial strength cleaning and chopping supplies such as plastic sheeting, mop buckets, butcher knives and large cheese graters.

We realized that these were intended for a massacre in which we were to be the massacrees.... So, we began plotting how to turn the tables and either escape our doom or butcher them first. Then I was asked to examine a dead body for an autopsy.

The woman was middle aged, large and had been bludgeoned to death. No one wanted to look at her, so I volunteered. My mom was with me and we began examining her body looking for clues and notating what we saw. She had been molested and raped since childhood, one of the doctors said.

5/20/04
I was in the house I grew up in, and there was a man there who was not my father but who in dream logic, was. He had intent to cut me and make me bleed. I strategized by first hiding all the knives in the house, then plotted how to kill him.